(Lee McHatton, Marriage and Family Therapist and Communication Consultant)
Conflict is an unavoidable part of being human. Difficult conversations, disappointment, fear, frustration, and hurt can arise in marriages, families, workplaces, and other relationships regardless of how emotionally aware a person may be.
For Lee McHatton, the more important question is what happens next.
After 32 years of working directly with people, communication, and conflict, McHatton has come to view emotional intelligence as a practical skill that becomes most visible during moments of emotional pressure. He believes emotional maturity is reflected in the ability to create enough space between an emotional trigger and a behavioral response to make a considered choice.
“The first and most important step is to pause,” McHatton says. “A reaction is often driven by an immediate emotional response, such as anger, frustration, hurt or fear. A response allows us to step back, reflect on what we are experiencing and consider how we want to respond before we act.”
That distinction can appear simple, yet McHatton believes it represents one of the central challenges in developing emotional intelligence. People may understand communication principles intellectually while finding it considerably harder to apply them when emotions are elevated.
McHatton has studied emotional intelligence since his graduate-school years in the 1990s and has continued to incorporate psychological and communication principles into his work with individuals, couples, families and organizations. His approach is grounded in the idea that emotional intelligence should be understood through observable behavior and practiced as a set of skills.
He describes this as an important distinction because awareness alone does not necessarily produce change.
McHatton is currently developing a framework of over 30 emotional intelligence skills that he plans to explore through his forthcoming EI Forum. He views these abilities as skills because they require awareness, definition, and application.
“You might be aware of something and know what it is, but if you do not apply it, it does not help you,” he says. “That is why I call them ‘Them Skills.’ You have to become aware of them, understand them and then utilize them.”
He begins that framework with awareness, which he considers considerably broader than simply knowing how one feels.
Self-awareness involves recognizing one’s own emotions, behavior and presentation. McHatton also emphasizes awareness of other people, the interaction between two people and the surrounding environment. Tone of voice, body language, emotional shifts and contextual circumstances can all provide information that influences how an interaction unfolds.
“Awareness has a lot of depth to it,” McHatton says. “It is self-awareness, awareness of others, awareness of you and me, and awareness of the environment. There are a lot of dynamics involved.”
That broader understanding can become particularly important when conflict escalates. In emotionally charged situations, people can become focused on what they are experiencing while losing awareness of how their behavior is affecting the person in front of them.
McHatton’s own experiences have reinforced his perspective. Navigating a difficult divorce and custody battle became part of the personal foundation for his work rather than simply chapters in his past. He believes difficult periods can provide opportunities to examine how emotions influence decisions, communication, and relationships.
His professional experience has subsequently included helping people navigate highly reactive circumstances, including relationship conflict and divorce. He continues to receive referrals connected to legal professionals, where the emotional dimensions of conflict can become particularly pronounced.
Those situations have reinforced his belief that emotional intelligence is especially important when the stakes are high.
“The situations where emotional intelligence matters most are often the situations where it is hardest to use,” McHatton says. “When people are hurt, angry, or afraid, they do not need someone telling them to simply stop having those emotions. They need to understand what those emotions are telling them and learn how to manage what happens next.”
McHatton deliberately uses the word “manage” rather than “control” when discussing emotions. He considers control an unhelpful framework because emotions cannot always be prevented from emerging. “They just seep out, or they come out,” he says. “I want to manage my emotions rather than control my emotions, because oftentimes I cannot control them.”
For McHatton, managing an emotion begins with acknowledging it rather than denying its presence. A pause can then create an opportunity to identify what is happening internally before deciding how to communicate externally.
That process is particularly relevant to relationships because attempts to control other people can undermine trust and connection. McHatton argues that people who consistently try to control those around them can create additional difficulties in their relationships because autonomy is fundamental to healthy interaction.
His cognitive behavioral background also informs his emphasis on reframing. Instead of asking whether an emotion can be eliminated, he encourages people to consider how they can respond to it constructively.
The distinction between reaction and response therefore becomes less about suppressing emotion and more about creating room for reflection.
“A response means you are slowing down,” McHatton says. “Think about what you are saying before you are going to say it. Slow to speak, slow to anger. Emotional maturity develops over time through learning.”
That development is central to his broader understanding of emotional intelligence. He sees maturity as something people build through repeated experiences, reflection and application rather than something that arrives simply through age or knowledge.
This perspective also explains why McHatton believes emotional intelligence deserves greater attention beyond traditional discussions of psychology. Communication, leadership, workplace relationships and family dynamics all involve moments in which people must interpret emotions and decide how to act.
His forthcoming EI Forum will provide a setting for examining those skills in greater depth, with the broader objective of translating emotional intelligence from a familiar concept into practical behavior.
For McHatton, the ultimate measure is therefore what happens in real life. A person may understand the vocabulary of emotional intelligence and still react impulsively when confronted with conflict. The more meaningful achievement is developing enough awareness to recognize the moment, pause, and make a deliberate choice.
“Better relationships do not require us to eliminate difficult emotions,” McHatton says. “They require us to learn what to do with them. The pause is where the choice begins, and the choice is where emotional maturity becomes real.”
